I’m ending the Fall Semester of 2007 thus enjoying the holidays. Then January rolled around and it was back to school for the Spring Semester of 2008. School was about to begin in about one week when I found out I was pregnant!! It was January 6, 2008.
The father of the child is a man that I cared for, but the future that lay ahead was unknown at the time. We were happy and I proceeded to share the news with my mother, sister and his family on January 20. Reactions were mixed and thus I was left thinking of everyone’s thoughts and remarks.
Within the next month he was incarcerated for not showing up to his probation appointments, thus leaving me alone on February 3rd and not knowing if he would go back to prison for two years or just to serve nine months in a rehabilitation facility. I went to my first doctor’s appointment alone and was scared not knowing the future of this young and deserving child of GOD. I was 8 weeks and 3 days on February 6th. All was well. My starting weight was 126 pounds. Dr. E took the first sonogram that day. It was amazing to see that such a small circle would grow into a child and have a spirit sent from above.
Waiting
The time passed slowly when it came to my schoolwork, and even slower when it came to me waiting to find out when the father of me child would go to court. His name is Adan. I kept busy with my classes and working on campus 19 hours a week. I kept working out daily. I swam 20 laps in a 50 meter pool just to make myself tired so I could fall asleep faster. Those times were hard and I cried myself to sleep every night. When I would pray I would just thank GOD; all I wanted do was to pray for many things, but I wanted to be humbled before I asked for the wrong things.
Adan’s court date and my next doctor’s visit fell on the same day. Court was at ten-thirty, and my appointment was at ten-forty-five on March 5th. I heard the baby’s heart beat for the first time. The sound was one that will stay with me forever. I gained four pounds and was now weighing in at 130. This day should have been a great mile stone in my life but it was a lonely one that I will never forget. Adan’s father called me at work that afternoon to tell me the news about court that day. I answered and was excited because I thought that maybe they would let him off with something else. His father proceeded to say that Adan would have to serve nine months in a rehabilitation facility and six of those months would be working in a rehabilitation program and then the last three and a half way house where they adapt slowly to main stream life. His father thought this was better then him having to serve two years. I got off the phone and had to work until 5p.m. that day, but I was not there. I felt like I was in some other world.
Pondering Within My Own Darkness
Two weeks passed and I was not there at all mentally. I went about my responsibilities at school and work, but it was only my physical body that you saw. My mind was not sure what to do or think quite yet. For several days I did not leave my dorm room or answer my phone because I just did not have the strength to do so. Adan wrote to me everyday. His words were comforting during the 5 minutes it took to read the two or three page letter.
Starting Friday, March 14 at 5 p.m. Spring Break began and I needed that more them ever now due to the situation that had fallen at my feet. I did not go any where. I just stayed in the comforts of my own space and thought of the future and the present. I thought about school work that needed to get done. I thought about the future for my baby. I started the day by working on a journal article each day, but by mid-day I was lost in thought. By the time I knew it I had not done much of any thing but stared into space and thought of the child growing inside me and the man I thought would be there for me at this time.
The last day of Spring Break fell on Easter! I went to my mother’s where we all gathered to celebrate this joyous occasion. The day before my mother and I had gone looking for maternity clothes for me just so I would have them when I needed them. Easter Sunday was nice and I did not share with the entire family yet because I was at a loss, and they were asking about Adan and his situation and I could not even repeat that over and over to all in attendance. For the most part I was uplifted by the presence of my family and I knew that I could continue and be strong.
After everyone had left and I stayed behind to help my mother clean up and put away what was left in the kitchen. We had finished and began to chat about the situation and what I had planned. I did not say much and my mother asked if I had considered adoption as a solution to all of this. I was in shock and quite angry. I left on a bad note not knowing why my plate had to be so loaded at this point in my life.
My sister took this picture on Easter Sunday with her cell phone!!
Seeing a Light in the Distance
I took what my Mother said harder then what she intended it to be. The next week I went to school two days then I took another week off. My pregnancy was making me very sleepy and my life was in disarray. My compass was spinning and I did not know where North was. At just the right time I had a much needed visit from my aunt. I don’t think she was aware of my need, but came because she wanted to visit and now I know that the Lord sent her in my time of need. This was April 20th. After she left I felt renewed and thought I needed to make a plan for this child of God that I was carrying.
I am adopted and so I thought of my own life and how I have been blessed abundantly by my family. Also I have two cousins who are adopted. They are younger then I am. I thought that I could ask them how they felt, and if they ever thought of the reason why they were put up for adoption, or if they wondered about their mother. At the same time I wanted this child too. I would read Adan’s letters and it left me feeling stuck between a rock and hard place all the time.
I did make a plan of action and acted. I called the LDS Family Services for adoptions and found out some information. I gave them my name, but it was late and they would call me the next day. I did speak to a lovely lady who was compassionate and understanding of me and my feelings. That was a relief.
Weighing the Scales
April the 28th I went to the doctor at 20 weeks. I had gained 11 pound within 8 weeks. With all that had gone on I had missed an appointment on April 9th. I was feeling quite stressed. The visit went well and Dr. E scheduled me for later that week to have my sonogram. This was to measure the baby’s size and growth to make sure the baby’s estimated age was correct. This was on Friday May 2nd at 1:45. I thought I would be alone but a friend asked if she could come along. I was not going to say no. Her name is Olga. My friend Frank drove us. He would always take me and bring me back from my doctor visits. He was always there to help me and run me wherever I needed to go.
WOW! To have the opportunity to see life growing inside me is again, a moment in a woman’s life that should be blessed and full of joy and love. I felt all of this until I got home. Then once again I was reminded that I was alone through this to the end. I was able to feel the baby move around and knew even when she had the hiccups. When I felt her move I was constantly reminded of Adan and the times we shared, and the time I know we should have been sharing with the baby girl growing inside of me.
I considered this the midpoint because it literally was. What I mean by that is that I was 21-24 weeks pregnant. I was half way there in May, and so I needed to settle on a final decision for this soul that God was sending to me. This month was a clincher. I had to finish the semester, get through finals and make a decision on my living arrangements as well.
Finals flew by, and I had to move back home with my parents because I could not make it alone through the summer without some financial help. I though I should be somewhere safe and have no more stress then necessary. I made it home and felt comfortable in contacting LDS Family Serve. We spoke and I told them my situation. I was about 85% sure I was going to place my baby up for adoption.
Walking
June 2nd I had my monthly doctor visit in Kingsville. I gained 9 pounds in 6 weeks. I had to change my exercise regimen due to my move. I began walking 2.5 miles in the morning and then again in the evening to try to gain only baby weight and not have that extra weight that I knew would be hard to work off. I enjoyed my walks and it helped me to think and ponder the decisions I had made. The walks cleared my mind of Adan’s letters and the thoughts of others and I was able to focus on this child I was carrying. These walks allowed me to just think of her and me and what God had planned for us.
At times I would cry, but most of the time that was when I would chat with her and tell her things that I thought of throughout the day. I would tell her why I had chosen this and how I loved her and to let her know that deep, deep in my heart this would place her in a home with many opportunities such as I had been given. On these walks I would sing and it brought me tears and comfort all at once. I wanted her to have an eternal family. That was the clincher for me. I knew that I would not be able to give that to her with Adan like it should be.
Walking allowed me to see the light from our Father in Heaven. He gave us the Lord and Savior, His only Begotten son so that we may return to Him one day. I know that my sacrifice is someone else’s blessing, and that my faith in our Lord will help my daughter through this life and I will see her in the world to come.
Choosing a Family
I had a meeting with a social worker from LDS Family Services were I was informed on what can happen. He also told me at this point that I could choose a family for myself from the web site. At this meeting we talked about my feelings and the situation that I was in. I asked lots of questions about what needed to be done. Overall the meeting helped to put into action my decision, making things a bit clearer.
That evening I proceeded to look online for families. There were so many families who looked great. At this point I decided to make a criteria list for myself to help me choose a family that I felt would satisfy where I wanted to place my child. I wanted a couple who had no children because I wanted to bless them with my child. This would be an answer to their prayers. I wanted them to be married for at least 5 years. For one or both parent to have their Ph. D because I wanted my child to know that education is important. This I know would come from one who has a great education. Education was key, due to the fact that I am working on my Master’s, and I will proceed to work on my PhD as well.
I thought of who I, what we like, and hope to find a couple who was similar in their own way. Our baby would have many of OUR talents so I wanted to choose a couple who enjoyed the same types of things. This way they could help her fine tune these talents. The outdoors (fishing, gardening, horses, the beach), crafts (scrap booking, making cards- projects of all types) and cooking. Adan loves to BBQ and just cook & I love to make tamales, pan de polvo and many other Mexican dishes. Family traditions for holidays, birthdays, and just special celebrations are also important to us. I began the search and read profiles; the numbers were overwhelming. The number of the families that I might consider were numerous.
Just then I was inspired to rethink my requirements. I had seen that these families could have their preferences to whether they wanted a boy or girl and the child’s age and ethnicity. So then I realized I would only consider those who listed Hispanic as a preference. This reduced the number of profiles from over 500 to a small group of 85. My heart sank to a low to know that Hispanic was not a preference for almost all these families, but glad to know I would place my child where she was WANTED. I began to look at all 85 profiles. Then from there the numbers decreased due to my criteria list.
My Choice
From that point on I found myself reading and rereading the top 10 and thinking of them and comparing what they shared with me and to who I am, helping the list decrease slowly and becoming much clearer to me as well. I finally made it to the top 5. I was finding peace in this process and with many tears I READ and REREAD the profiles over and over. Thinking of these couples as individuals who were so in love and longing for their own CHILD but had not been blessed to conceive.
At this point I decided to mail Adan the profiles so we could make this decision together. I told him what I thought of each family so that he would know. It took him about 3 days to choose one and he wrote me saying “I read each profile 30 times and I choose Randy and Caroline. I feel they were the most honest in the way they presented themselves.” I was impressed with his answer and I felt that they were my number one choose too!! Adan also stated that he prayed long and hard about this because he really wanted to keep her in our lives and he did this for me. I know that OUR choice was what the Lord our GOD chooses for our CHILD!! I also had thought and pondered about them for days before and after hearing his choose.
The next thing was to find out if they had not been chosen by anther mother! The answer was No. I proceeded to have peace come opon me.
Once I wanted to know for myself by praying and taking the quiet time to hear our Lord's response. I was comforted with peace and the weight was lifted off my shoulders!!
And I felt I could let go of Adan and move on knowing that I was making the right decision for the baby's Future!!
PRESENTING THE NEWS
This was something I did not know you could do. Announcing
to the family I chose in what ever way I would like! I liked this idea;
this would be a way for me to share a glimpse of who I am
and to present my gift of the most precious child of GOD
to such a deserving family.
I knew what I would make, but I just needed to get the materials
for the project and this brought me JOY!!
This was the note I enclosed in their announcement:
Congratulations!
Randy and Caroline
Roses are coming your way to let you know that you have been chosen to become loving parents to a baby girl due in September.
Enclosed please find a love-filled gift made for you to share in the upcoming birth of a beautiful angel.
May your family be one.
I began to write and think of some things
I wanted to say within this small token of love!!
Page one Read the following Poem
A Newborn’s Conversation with God
A baby asked God, “They tell me you are sending me to Earth
tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and
helpless?” God said, “Your angels will be waiting for you and will
take care of you.”
The child further inquired, “But tell me, here in heaven I don’t
have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy.” God said,
“Your angels will sing for you and will also smile for you and you
will feel your angels’ love and be very happy.”
Again the child asked, “And how am I going to know the language?”
God said, ”Your angels will tell you the most beautiful and sweet
words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your
angels will teach you how to speak.
“And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?” God said,
“Your angels will place your hands together and will teach you how
to pray.”
“Who will protect me?” God said, “Your angels will defend you even
if it means risking their lives.”
“But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.” God
said, “Your angels will always talk to you about Me and will teach
you the way to come back to Me’ even though I will always be
next to you.”
At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices
from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked God, “If I
am to leave now, please tell me my angels’ names.
God said, “You will simply know them as your Mommy and Daddy.”
Randy and Caroline
Then My Letter to My SWEET ANGEL
July 2008
My Angel Baby,
As I write this you are no doubt growing and developing. You are two months away from coming to Earth to be received by a very special couple who have been chosen by me and Adan, and I believe Heavenly Father, to become your Earthly parents. Randy and Caroline have been waiting for such a very long time to hold a bundle of joy in their arms and call you their own. I know that they will love you, nurture you and provide for you in every way that you need and deserve. Even though I have carried you, nurtured you, and protected you in my womb they will be the ones who will watch you grow and develop into the child, teen, and adult that you have the potential to become. They will bless your life with the joys of the gospel and have you sealed to them as I was sealed to my parents.
I too was blessed by being adopted when I was 18 months old and I want to answer for you the question that you might have as you grow into an understanding of having been adopted. The only question I had was WHY? Why did my mother give me to someone else to be raised. Out of all my sisters and brothers why was I the only one to be given away. I came to find out that my mother was not able to take care of me and she loved me enough to say “I want you to have and be given all I am not able to give you.” She understood and realized that the love she could give me was not all that I needed in this world. She wanted me to have opportunities that only a family could provide. As a single mother she was limited in so many ways, as am I now. I want the very best for you. I want you to have a mother and a father who will not only love you, but be able to give you the stability of an Eternal Family.
I don’t ever want you to think that I have given you up for adoption without a thought of what I am doing. I have thought, pondered and prayed to do the right thing for you, and I know that this is the right decision for you and for me, and all concerned. I know you are a gift from Heaven, and this is a gift that I am sharing with you. You will be a gift to Randy and Caroline. “Greater love hath no man than he who would give his life for another.” This is the kind of love I have for you. Always know that I will cherish the time that you and I have spent together as I have carried you and nurtured you in preparation for your kind and wonderful parents.
You will ever be in my heart; and though I don’t see you and won’t be there with you, you will ever be a part of my life and hold a special place in my heart. Remember that I loved you enough to share you with those who I know will teach and provide for you in every way that I know Heavenly Father has in store for you. You will bring so much joy and happiness into the lives you touch. Your parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and all your extended family will be blessed by your life.
I will ever pray for your happiness and success in life. May you ever feel fulfilled and joyous in everything you endeavor. May you always find peace and comfort in times of need, and may all your dreams come true. May Heavenly Father continue to bless your life now and forever.
Always Loving You,
Marisol
A poem to Bring the Two Mothers TOGHTHER as ONE
Once there were two women who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother
Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun
The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears
One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do.
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.
Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of?
Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.
The Scrap Book
was SOFT and that is what I wanted!!
Waiting
I was so proud of my work I could not wait
to see what they had to say about the gift and what joy it brought to them!!
This was their response through an email
On July 17 2008:
Dear Marisol,
We were awake all night wondering how we can possibly convey our thoughts and feelings of gratitude and joy at being chosen by you to parent your beloved, angel child. How can we express our gratitude for something so precious? The book you prepared is absolutely wonderful. We are so touched by the amount of thought and love that you put into it. It made the experience so special to us, something we will always cherish. We are very impressed with the heartfelt letter you wrote to your baby. We hope we can be the “angels” you described and are very humbled to think you are entrusting us with someone so precious to you. There were so many families to choose from, we are honored that you chose us. We can’t stop looking through the book, crying and smiling and thinking of you. Caroline was anxious to get started on the shopping and decorating the room, while Randy is wondering how he is going to ward off the boys as she gets older.
We can’t possibly imagine the difficult choice you have been faced with. We are so impressed with your selfless love and courage. It is apparent that you love your baby girl and have put her needs above anything else. We know Heavenly Father loves you and will bless you throughout this challenging time.
What a special gift this is. We are awe struck. It is interesting the events that have taken place in our lives the past few months that have made this possible. Looking back on them, we see the Lord’s hand. Things seem to have fallen into place at the right time. We want you to know how supportive and joyful our families are, many of them were overcome by tears when they heard the news. They are so excited to welcome this baby into our family.
It is strange to know that although we are excited, we know you and your family are probably going through a very hard time. Our constant thoughts and prayers are with you. Whether by email or phone, we are ok with whatever communication you are comfortable with, and want to be respectful of your wishes. If you have any questions for us we are very open to answering them. We are very anxious to know more about you and Adan. Again, we are praying for you and wish you all the best.
Love,
Randy and Caroline
From then on we talked on the phone or through email
and got to know each other better!
The time I enjoyed at peace and just in amazment !!
First picture after she was cleaned UP!!
